A Coffee Connection during challenging times
one small cup, one conversation and a new understanding
Today’s conversations are challenging. We are all so divided. How do we talk to each other if we are so polarized? As an event organizer where I live this hits home daily.
We tend to build friendships where we can find commonality. As we get to know one another, we learn more about each of us and our differing belief systems. The more time we spend together, the more we embrace those whose values align with our own. These days, with politics becoming all-encompassing, we can feel threatened by differences in who we support or perceive as a threat. Sometimes, we lose sight of the core values that may have brought us together in the first place. How do you reconcile this to maintain civility?
I am learning that we need to step back a bit from our perspectives and listen to what the other person is saying. You may not agree with someone’s ideas but it can be valuable to understand why they are reacting the way they are.
I had a minor dispute with a good friend last week. We finally let it blow to a head after avoiding each other for days. First, we talked on the phone, and then I asked that we meet for coffee. I believe now we better understand where our differences come from. We are now friends and although we don’t agree on the disputed topic, we have agreed to keep a boundary of avoiding this topic again. There is too much at risk to undo the commonalities we share.
I read the book Crucial Conversations a while back and learned that the key to understanding people’s differences is to minimize the need to be on defense. I highly recommend this book and the lessons it shares. It is natural for people to put protective walls around themselves. By doing so, one is in a fight or flight mode when feeling threatened. If we can learn to break down this wall, perhaps we can communicate better.
I have been trying to use this approach by meeting over coffee to get to know new friends and colleagues, even if I fear we have different driving forces. During this time, I try to ask questions about why people feel the way they do? I often try to identify an emotional connection. People love to talk about themselves and their successes. Ask simple questions about them or perhaps give a small compliment. Once the two parties are more comfortable you can then chat about more challenging issues.
I have written about the coffee connection concept in my book and now more than ever believe this is a time to find better ways to connect rather than divide. My key takeaway is for you to invite the opportunity to build understandings one cup at a time.